tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 10, 2015 11:50pm-12:52am EST
that wasn't my real dog. (laughter) and i'm guessing i wasn't supposed to feed him pizza. every year i go on my wikipedia page and i make myself 1 inch taller. (laughter) when i catch a fish, i always throw it back but only after stairing into its eyes and saying, you owe me one. forgive me, audience. >> we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. i feel a lot better. stick around, we've got bruce willis. (cheers and applause) >> the late show with stephen colbert sponsored by the netflix
debut in the broadway play misery. please welcome bruce willis. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey, man. >> hey, man. >> stephen: hey, tough guy, how are you? >> couldn't be more frightened. >> stephen: really? of the audience, of. >> of you, you. >> stephen: terrified of me? >> for many, many years i have been not necessarily you, but your comedy. >> stephen: terrified of my comedy? >> i could never be that funny. could never-- . >> stephen: i could never be as tough as you, man, cuz you're like a quint essential-- see, that's it. that's it, man, i got to get that. i got to get that. you have five daughters, right? >> i do have five daughters.
come in handy when their dates come to pick them up within not yes. it has never worked. >> stephen: just hand them like a dvd collection of your work and say have her back by 11:00, my friend. >> that's right. >> stephen: have your daughters turned you into a softie because you seem like a tough guy but have they made you a softie? >> i have to admit that, well, one of my children, i actually beat-- for the love of me, for the life of me, i can't remember her-- oh, rumor, i once-- . >> stephen: she's 27. >> she's 27 years old. she earns her own money. >> stephen: that's nice. do you ever hit her up for cash. are you doing theater now and that doesn't pay well. (laughter) you just kl really can't afford a shave. (applause)
>> stephen: exactly. are you doing the theater now, making your broadway debut in misery, which is-- dheers (cheers and applause). >> stephen: made into a movie and everything. >> horrifying. >> stephen: it is horrifying, a horrifying story. are people horrified when they watch it. >> not necessarily. they laugh at some of the most disturbing moments. >> stephen: really? >> of the play. and no one seems to be able to explain it. of why people are laughing. >> stephen: like what might. >> well, when someone gets shot dead right on stage with a double barreled shot gun and everybody goes, oh, all right, that's really cool, that's good. i don't know what that audience was-- that that happened. >> stephen: new yorkers are tough people. >> they are. and for good reason. >> stephen: has stephen king seen this yet? >> is this my matter. >> stephen: it's been there
i don't think. >> refreshing. get a little bit in my beard and see if that happens. >> stephen: has stephen king seen this yet? hold on, let me get an egg timer before you answer. (laughter) >> i don't think so, so far. we have not seen-- . >> stephen: he's a good guy. we had him on the show. >> no way. >> stephen: yeah, we had him on the show, he is a very good guy, came sitting in the chair right there. >> he came out of maine. came out of hiding. >> stephen: yeah, we shipped him in from maine. he just appeared in a puff of smoke, actually. >> you think you can get him to come down to the theater. >> stephen: yeah, i will call him up, stephen, are you up there, you, me, we go see misery together, it's a deal, all right. i will tell you what he says back. >> okay. (laughter). >> stephen: can i say something i'm jealous about.
this play in a bed. that's a sweet gig. (laughter) >> yeah, it's a good gig, it's a good gig. it's a small bed. it's a long way to the floor. >> stephen: you're one big action guy, one some of the biggest action guys in the world. a lot of action guys like tom cruise say, they did all their own stunts. do-- did you ever, like, back in the day, did you do your own >> of course. >> you have to. >> stephen: like bare foot across the glass in diehard and that kind of stuff. >> yeah. >> stephen: why do you need to do that, what is the purpose of that, no offense. >> for the audience, for, you know-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: for the audience. i know, okay, but you don't do it any more, i assume. >> oh no, i still do t i still do it. >> stephen: are you 60 years old. >> 60 years old thrk year. >> stephen: i find it hard to believe you still do your own stunts. >> well, i feel that i-- i would let people down if i didn't do
>> stephen: okay. so i guess you do your own stunts, then. (laughter) i don't-- i mean with all due respect, i find that hard to believe that a man who spends most of his time lying down on the job these days, does his own stunts, please take that with respect. i mean it with respect, but i don't believe it. >> don't believe t huh. >> stephen: no, i do not. >> now that's a problem. (applause) >> i'm out from-- come out from behind the desk. (applause). >> stephen: yeah. >> hands in pockets.
(applause) >> all right. as i was saying before, you've written some of the most fascinating nonfiction books out there. flash boys, blind side, boomer angry, liar's porker, moneyball. and the big short. now made into a movie. >> yeah. (applause). >> stephen: ryan gosling, brad pit, steve carell. christian bale. tell the people out there, just a quick education, because you're better at educating people at complicated things than anybody i know.
>> stephen: but go ahead. you have complicated things like wall street, you are like america's liver. you take a complicated thing and break it down into a nutritional supplement for us. so what say short on wall street what is shorting. >> to bet against. so normally you think of investing, you are buying something. >> stephen: i think your company will do well. >> it will go up. but if you actually take a dim view of a company and you think its stock price is going to go down, you can short it. and how you do that is you borrow-- if i was going to short it to you. >> stephen: yeah. >> i find someone who owned it like some ibm stock, i would borrow it from them, pay them a fee to borrow it and sell it to you. i don't own it, so i'm betting on, to buy it back from you later at a cheaper price, so i'm betting against it. and in this case, this is a story of the financial crisis. the financial crisis organized itself, the wall street organized itself around a giant bet. kind of hundreds of billions of dollars bet on subprime mortgage
>> stephen: letting up to the 2008 financial crisis. >> most of the inside of wall street was long, they owned subprime mortgage bonds. and the guys in the movies, the guys in the book from betting, they saw it coming and were betting against it. >> stephen: how many people saw this sort of thing coming. you say that wall street was long, like everybody on wall street was like how is this. >> i think it's fair to say that up until almost the very end, all the big wall street banks, certainly the regulators, most investors didn't really see it coming. when i was working on the book, i remember asking the question, who was on the right side, like who were the smart people, all money. and now there is the thing that was shocking to me. you have these banks that have had call, like the best and the brightest from america's best universities, for 30 years, they ship these people in, and they commit mass suicide. i mean they make this-- these horrible investment decisions. the one thing they are supposed to do, right, is figure out where you put capital, where you
and they poured hundreds of billions of dollars into these bad loans. who were the ones on the other side. oddballs, mainly. they were maybe kind of a dozen or 15 people, all together, who-- . >> stephen: all together. >> no, no, who-- . >> stephen: there are hundreds of thousands of people. >> let me qualify, who went all in, they said this is the bet of a lifetime to bet ginsz the system to bet against what these banks are doing. and who really, essentially risked their careers making the bet. bets. the guys who laid it all on the line, not very many. >> stephen: christian bale, what is his character. >> dr. michael berry. >> stephen: and he goes into gold moon sax or one of these big investment banks and says will you sell me something called a subprime mortgage credit default swap. bond. so it's like if i think your house is going to burn down and i want to bet on it, i could buy insurance on your house. >> stephen: are you betting my
>> that is kind of what he is saying. he says i think your house will burn down and i want to buy insurance on it. sells me the insurance. i don't own the house. >> stephen: aren't you, have arsonist. >> yes, you do. >> stephen: people did lose their homes but the banks did not go out of business because we bailed them out and did not >> true. >> stephen: was that a bad >> yes, yes. >> stephen: why, because i had bernanke on the show. i have had in that chair, i have had hillary clinton, ben bernanke. he said you had to save them, nothing to do the whole house come a tunling down if you didn't. hiltry clinton said it was a mistake. next time we can't bail them out and have to break them up. >> what they failed to appreciate, when they resuscitated these places and let them stay in business, that they would proceed then to not only get bigger, even bigger, that's the amazing thing, but also to start to met el in the process to reform them, and to sort of like throw their
preventing any kind of change. so misreading the political survive. so it would have made-- it would have been much easier to reform if the banks weren't there paying lobbyists, paying happening. >> stephen: is there something right now, i mean there must be something right now that ia a handful of people are shorting but the rest of us just have no idea about that is just waiting out there like a spider to catch us. >> i'm just a writer. i am not-- . >> stephen: well, you used to do this, you used to do this. >> but i sucked at it. bonds? >> that's putting it a little too crudely. >> stephen: yes or no question, senator, yes or no question. >> yeah, absolutely. you are continue allly put in the position of having to sell stuff the bank wants to unload. confessional. >> stephen: do you forgive him? >> i'm so sorry.
everybody, thanks so much. now folks, don't know what your weekend plans are. and don't say getting those shelves up in the garage because we both know that you're lying. but i'm going to go see in the heart of the sea. it's a new blockbuster film about the 19th century ship the essex which was attacked by a giant whale. an because it's a ron howard film, probably a giant mermaid. what's really interesting is that in the heart of the sea tells the true story that inspired herman melville to write mobby dick which is widely considered to be the greatest american novel which does not involve da vinchi codes. now i know it's possible that some of you may not have read mobydick, no judge. , an 8900 page novel that includes multiple chapters with the an sentd art of scrimshaw isn't everybody's cup of ambergris, it doesn't matter if you never picked it up or have
bit of a mobydickhead. this movie is the perfect time to brush up on an american classic. so hear to help us right now is prove terror-- professor of american studies at columbia university and renowned melville scholar andrew delbanco. is mobby dick really based on a tru story. of the essex. it was bad news, everybody at sea knew about t whales could get angry and sailors figured whales could sink, this was the whale that turned on the ship that was trying to kill it. >> everybody knew about it, melville heard it first when he went to sea in 1841. >> stephen: okay, now what i really want, i would like you to be able to explain to my audience exactly why it is an american classic. you it is a long book and i need
for our network tv audience. >> i got it. >> stephen: so what people want to know is you and i have already had this conversation on the nitro roller coaster at six flags great adventure with a 230 foot vertical drop. it is rated the third moses terrifying roller coaster on earth. all right, andrew, andrew, jim, let's show everybody the lecture. so you were named great teacher by columbia university. >> that's true. >> stephen: okay. if you are such a great teacher, can you teach me mobby dick in two minutes at four gs. >> i will give it a shot. >> stephen: all right, let's do this thing. so do you like roller coaster. >> i hate them, i'm terrified of them. >> stephen: okay, it's going to be great. you are going to love it. so-- i guess my first question
move novel, why do people have to be forlingsed to read it. >> they don't, i know people that read it voluntarily. >> stephen: are they teachers. >> no just people that find it opens up their imagination. >> stephen: so why is this the great american novel? >> it was a crazy new country. we needed a crazy new novel. >> stephen: how old ask it. >> about 155 years old. >> stephen: wow. >> it has it broke all the rules of novel writing. >> stephen: do you think americans have the patience for a 160 year old 800 page novel and please tell the people who are watching people on the roller coaster. wait, let's see how well you know the book, on three say the opening line with me. one, two, three. >> call me ismaele. >> whooo! >> stephen: who is ismalle, why should i care. >> he say wanderer, he doesn't know who he is, like the rest of us. >> stephen: so is your metaphor for americans. >> i think so. trying to figure out who we are all the time.
>> he is a-- can i balance,. >> stephen: are there a lot of canibals in the book? >> no, just one. >> stephen: is the book procanibal. >> sort of. >> stephen: really? >> george washington can ballisticically developed. >> stephen: so what daws the whale represent? >> the whale is the reason we're all angry at the world. evil. >> stephen: okay, we're almost over. cliff notes, what is the book about? >> a quest for meaning in life. >> stephen: what is the meaning of life? >> i have no idea after this ride. >> stephen: all right. go. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: do a hab and the while get together. >> yeah, but it's a very sat outcome. they don't get along well. it's bad news for ahab. >> stephen: does everyone have a white whale? >> i think so. i think we want to explain to
if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. >> stephen: here to perform ain't i, please welcome lizzo. (cheers and applause) >> i, i, i, i'm in the, i'm in the, i'm in the i'm in the business of makin' music that music business that business, no one can witness 'cause i, i make that crack music nigga that real black music nigga the only singles that i'm droppin' are the ones flappin' at the bands of your white briefs, white boys please can barely believe i walk by as they hold they skeets by the seams of they jeans cream get the money, and run it to the hills ya'll straight into my pocket, tired of the deals dog start my own label, keep the leakin' sealed off if you got a big mouth,
i'm the only fat lip bass, my flipper-- vroom peels off eatin' flounder, sebastians like some bath salts munchin' on his bones, lookin' at him like it's your fault, look at what you made me do yo pass the hot sauce. lookin' at the back of sophia eris' head eatin' a sandwich, but we don't got bread got a spider ass bite on my head hangry feelin' soupy, i brought my pho kit, yo i'm duckin' donald, daffy, howards them cowards can never throw shots at a super power what was russia without the czars what was henry ford without the cars my grandparents worked at ford factory so henry is nothin' without my family tree and a slave-owner family needed black blood still so i think we need a spot up on henry's will that will never be the case, in case you ain't keepin' up i'm dishin' out cases of that heavy bass and them bass heads straight from the oppressor's loins are giving us "our free us"-- and hella coins
bob ya head crazy hip hop hip hop turned crack from the era of crack babies so bob ya head crazy, bob ya head crazy hip hop about to give oratories in stadiums and laboratories so bob ya head crazy, bob ya head crazy hip hop hip hop turned crack from the era of crack babies so bob ya head crazy, bob ya head crazy hip hop about to give oratories in stadiums and laboratories >> this perform ang is dedicated away this week. this is a moment, let's celebrate. it don't matter how deep your pockets go they still get their fill they gonna scrapt the bottom it don't matter how
they sho' is blinded by the light it don't matter how deep your pockets go they still get their fill they gonna scrapt the bottom it don't matter how deep your soul is they sho' is blinded by the light blinded by the light blinded by the light blinded by the light so bob ya head crazy, bob ya head crazy hip hop hip hop turned crack from the era of crack babies so bob ya head crazy, bob ya head crazy hip hop about to give oratories in stadiums and laboratories
bob ya head crazy hip hop hip hop turned crack from the era of crack babies so bob ya head crazy, bob ya head crazy hip hop about to give oratories in stadiums and laboratories a woman, a woman. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: lizzo, the new all bum is out today, lizzo, we'll
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. >> stephen: that's it for the late show, everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guest will be playwright lin manual miranda, ike bairn holtz and sharon jones and the dap kings. now stim around for my friend james corden. good night, everybody. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org reggie: are you ready and feel the love tonight it's "the late late show" ladies and gentlemen, all the way from high wickham, england,
one, the only james corden! [applause] television studios and cbs broadcasting inc] justin: we have a big show. we have a big show tonight. thank you. thank you. hello, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome to "the late late show"! what's going on, ladies and gentlemen? welcome to the show! it is great to see you guys. thanks for staying up for us. today president obama revealed that his favorite song of 2015 was "how much a dollar cost" by kendrick lamar. [laughter] not to be outdone, hillary revealed that her favorite song of 2015 was, "whatever will get
[laughter] [applause] yesterday -- yesterday the c.e.o. of yahoo gave birth do i dent cal twins. and even they already have gmail. i read that jeb bush's super pac has spent over $50 million on his campaign. meanwhile, bernie sanders has spent over $5 on his latest haircut. [laughter] [rim shot] i wrote that. i wrote that. also -- james: whoa! whoa! whoa! what the -- [applause] what is going on? i'm getting in the bath. have i lit a scented candle.
reggie, why did you start the music? reggie: you told me to play the music. that's what we did. james: that's not me! that's justin bieber! reggie: you look exactly alike. james: thank you! justin: that is not true. james: justin, why are you doing this, this has got to stop. justin: i'm sorry man. james: it's too late to say sorry. justin: what do you mean? james: now you're just naming your own songs! that's pathetic. what's the deal? what are you doing? justin: can i be honest with you? james: yes. justin: i really want to host my own late night show. james: well get your own show. this is my show. you have to back off. do you hear me? just because you ride with me to work doesn't mean you can hang around in my dressing room all the time and try to steal my
ok? justin: but can i host the show just for tonight? james: what? new york city you can't. justin: but can i at least roll the titles? james: no, you can't. get out! get gone! audience: booing. james: all right, fine. justin: here it goes. here it goes. i'm justin bieber and this -- this is "the late late show." roll the titles! reggie: it's "the late late show" it's "the late late show" whoo! it's "the late late show" it's "the late late show"
[applause] he is always here. hanging around. he is a scamp. don't be fooled by it. what does he want my job for it? he has the number one album. reggie: he looks just like you. james: how do not know i'm still justin bieber? reggie: that's what i'm saying. james: shall we see who our guests are tonight? ladies and gentlemen, in the purple room, he has 43 formula one grand prix victories and is one of the greatest race car drivers of our time. gavet up for the reigning formula one champion, lewis hamilton is here tonight. how are you, lewis? lewis: i'm great. you?
hank: happy to be here, man. james: i'm so happy to have you here. i'm so overjoyed to see your face. i thought i was rocking a deep v neck here. look at this guy. did you come straight from church? lewis: i did. james: thanks for being here. lewis hamilton. in the orange room is one of the busiest guys in hollywood, he hosts "talking dead," "@midnight," and "the nerdist" podcast, he is absolutely wonderful company. the emmy award-winning mr. chris hardwick is here tonight! hi, chris, how are you? how is it going? chris: good. i'm in the middle of game. i'm playing animal crossing. it is very, very tense. james: how are you getting on? is it going well? chris: well, it was. james: i'm sorry. chris: that is ok. you're more important. i love you so much.
chris hardwick! and we have some music this evening. in the red room, kentucky-bred grammy-nominated rock band. we happen to love them. you're going to love them too. cage the elephant is here tonight! hang on. what's happening here? what's happening in here? what are cage the elephant doing? spin the bottle? oh, my god! who did it land on? we're going to stick for one round of it. cage the elephant! [applause] oh, man. fun show. in all seriousness, how great was it having justin bieber here? we love him so much. interestingly, youtube announced
together was one of the top 10 trending videos around the globe of the year. if you watched it, thank you so much. we really appreciate it. we really, really do. speaking of youtube, check out their rewind video which celebrates their 10-year anniversary. it is a brilliant watch. you should go watch it. i'm honored to have a little cameo in it. you can watch all of it at youtube.com/rewind. talking of "carpool karaoke," i have some exciting news. [applause] yeah. yeah. guess who is going to bring me to work next week? ladies and gentlemen, next week i'm going to be getting a lift to work in the carpool lane with one direction! [applause] coming down here. now if you want to find out when
see some teases of it, go totube and subscribe to the "the late late show" page and you will get some sneak glimpses into that car ride. stick around. we have a great show tonight. we'll be right back. is that coffee? yea, it's nespresso. i want in. you're ready. get ready to experience a cup above. is that coffee?
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reggie: [applause] things go out of fashion things come back into fashion. holiday version of this next segment, this is "kick it out and bring it back." reggie: kick it out bring it back james: ladies and gentlemen, the first thing we're kicking out is so important. we're kicking out, people who act like christmas isn't special. you know the people i'm talking about? who the hell do you think you are? oh you aren't getting a tree? you aren't putting up lights? whoa, cool, you must be so deep and intellectual! hating christmas isn't a
you aren't interesting. you're the grinch. ok? the holidays are a time to get together with loved ones, eating, joking and singing. and you're above all that? [applause] oh, you're spending your christmas seeing "the revenant" starring leonardo dicaprio? oh, you're a bag of fun! ok? either you catch the christmas spirit, or you're catching a visit from the ghost of christmas past and the ghost of christmas future. ok? if you want to act like christmas isn't special, we're kicking you out. kicking you out! just enjoy it! decking the halls with boughs of holly. and you know what? with that gone, we're going to bring back one of the secret weapons that makes christmas special. we are bringing back getting